As some of you may know, your childhood idol is gonna get kicked in the nuts–or as the New York Times puts it, Mickey Mouse is getting a reboot.A friggin reboot. The article discusses, among other things, a new Mickey Mouse to connect with today’s youth; a Mickey Mouse that is “appealing and attractive,” a dirtier Mickey who walks and talks differently and is maybe even a little selfish. Now, while some people maintains that today’s youth is less “cantankerous and cunning” and more “constantly sticky and full of bullshit,” others say the move is a welcome change. Mickey’s wholesomeness is outdated by today’s standards; if Disney wants him to connect to kids, they need him to be ruder and in your face and swear words or he’ll just disappear completely.
Now, most of you are probably learning this news for the first time, but I’ve actually known for quite a while. A few months ago, when the idea of beefing up Mickey was just a hushed rumor passed around the Disney offices in paranoid whispers, I was contacted Disney Chief Executive Roger Iger. By some freakish coincidence, my sister bugged my conversation and i recently recovered the tapes(Rather conveniently)
-November 8th, 2009-
LOL: Hello?
Iger: Is this LOL? This is Roger Iger.
LOL: …Uh huh.
Iger: I’m the Chief Executive of the Disney Corporation.
LOL: Ohhhhkay.
[A brief pause, wherein I consider the dozen or so insults I wrote verbally defecating all over Disney Darling Hannah Montana.]
LOL: Oh, holy shit, OK, this… wow this looks bad, I can… in no way ever explain, it is precisely what it looks like. Do your guys just come and shoot me now, or what?
Iger: Daniel, I’m the Chief Executive of Walt Disney dumbass. If I wanted you dead I’d have exploded your heart remotely a year ago.
LOL: Yeah whatever, so i figured. So what’s this call about then?
Iger then went on to explain Disney’s concern for Mickey’s harmless, white-bread image problem. I maintained that Mickey was plenty creepy enough because, as I recall correctly, Fantasia was pants shitting scary, but Iger disagreed.
Fantasia, as it exists in my memory.
LOL:-and one of the frog’s has a knife and,wow, there’s blood everywhere, like, everywhere and Mickey’sstill smiling like he didn’t just help mow down that entire family of brooms.
Iger: No, I got it, Dan, but that didn’t happen, that’s not how that movie went.
LOL: I’m thinking, shut up dumbass i watched the movie. Didn't you?
Iger: It’s not fu- Forget it, we’re getting off topic here. The point is, we’re rebooting Mickey, and I want you to be the man to help us do it.
Apparently, Iger was impressed with my gritty, in-your-mouth writing style and wanted me to take a swipe at the Mickey reboot. Even though I was kind of busy, both with the blog and a hot soon-to-be new release of Left 4 Dead 2, I decided to take him up on his offer. The prospect of reinventing one of cartoon's most well-known figures was too enticing to pass up. Plus, that whole heart exploding, thing. I got right to work.
-May 3rd, 2009-
Iger: No. No, no, absolutely not.
LOL: No to what? The Hitler one? Is your frozen Walt Disney boss still sensitive about that?
Iger: Those are just rumors, and “No” to all of it.Every single one of it.
LOL: There’s really a lot of good stuff on that page, I think if you’ll take a second and just stop being such a giant puss-
Iger: “A lot of good stuff”? To what does that refer, exactly? The barely legible scribbling or the completely unusable character sketches? Am I to understand that you thought you could reboot the Mickey franchise simply by drawing Mickey Mouse naked?
LOL: You don’t like naked mickey? Man, I thought that was a golden one. He tested really well with people who weren’t dripping, close-minded pussies like yo-
Iger: And what is this? Is this “Mickey Screws a Horse”?
LOL: Did I write that? Oh god, man, I’m the best.
Iger: You are not the best dumbass.
LOL: Bullcrap, name one thing that’s better than me.
Iger: ME DUMBASS.Shut up fool.
[I felt a mild disturbance in my heart and decided to comply.]
Iger: Dood, I want you to start from scratch.
LOL: From scratch? Look, I don’t know how they do things over in The Republic of Puss-
Iger: From scratch, LOL, no excuses. And, for future reference, we’re Disney dammit. Don’t send us squiggles on a piece of loose leaf paper, alright?
LOL: Fine. And might I add that throughout this entire ordeal you’ve been nothing but a grotesque, man-sized puss…
[Dialtone]
LOL: Hel- You still there? Hello? You’re a pussy, hello? Like a gaping, pulsing, ah goddammit. Next time asshole.
I went back to the drawing board and, a little while later, had something at least a little more realized.
To Be Continued (Help taken from www.cracked.com)
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